Sunday, April 19, 2009

Stirrings

Like the lyrics to one of my favorite songs from Wicked, "Defying Gravity" say,

"Something has changed within me,
Something is not the same.
I'm through with playing by the rules of someone else's game.
Too late for second guessing,
Too late to go back to sleep.
It's time for me to trust my instincts, close my eyes...
And leap."

I'm not sure what exactly brings about the changes that occur within us, and to be sure, most of the time they're pretty gradual. But I've noticed in my own life, in various situations, whether it was learning French or piano, or even just how I see things, I can almost always tell where I "plateau" and when I move up to the next step.

So, I think it's been a culmination of a lot of stuff just stirring all together within me (I restrain my emotions so that it feels like a storm inside me sometimes, but this isn't good) and after an... interesting... conversation with one of my closest friends, I feel like... my shell has cracked just a little bit.

Most of my life, people have expected me to behave a certain way; that is, a little more mature and perceptive than most of the other people my age. And to an extent, I sort of like my role of being the one people can rely on for being steady or level-headed.

But... I think I have always felt so restrained within that box of reputation or whatever you want to call it that I have missed out somewhat on some of what the French call la joie de vivre or "the joy of living." So as I start a new stage of my life going to college in a few months, I'm determined not to lose sense of what has grounded me for so long, but at the same time to just let go and live life for a change instead of forever standing on the sidelines watching other people.